Getting a PhD is a wild ride. You start full of hope and curiosity, only to realize the system doesn’t really care about you. It is not what is sold.
The job market? Can be brutal.
The academic hierarchy? Often rigid.
The pressure? Relentless.
But here’s the thing—none of that has to define your experience.
I know this because I lived it. Now I am an Associate Professor, but not long ago, I was in the same spot. In 2009, I was in your shoes—sending out countless job applications and hearing nothing back. Not even a rejection—just silence. I had a two-year-old, and my wife was pregnant with our second child. I had spent 12 years in university, accumulating degrees but no job prospects.
I felt like failure in every sense of the word.
I remember the crushing weight of uncertainty. I checked my email, hoping for something—anything—that would validate my efforts. Each day, nothing happened.
I questioned everything:
Was I smart enough?
Had I wasted my time?
Had I let my family down?
But looking back, I see it differently now. That moment wasn’t an ending; it was an invitation to rethink everything. It forced me to step outside the rigid expectations of academia and start playing by my own rules. It pushed me toward building something meaningful on my own terms.
And, oddly enough, it gave me time—a brief window where I got to be more present with my family, to play street hockey with my son, to dance around the kitchen to ‘Chicken Fried.’ That moment of struggle reshaped my life in ways I never could have anticipated.
Academia Won’t Save You
You will quickly understand that the academic job market is not a meritocracy. You can be brilliant, hardworking, and innovative, but that won’t guarantee success. More famous, better-connected candidates will get opportunities you won’t. Even still, you will meet a lot of people that are far more talented that won’t succeed or struggle as well.
Some people are just luckier. And the system isn’t changing anytime soon.
It’s tough to accept, but once you do, you gain power. Academia does not determine your worth. The number of rejections you get is not a reflection of your abilities. Once you internalize this, you can move on to something far more important: building a life that was independent of expectations about me.
Reframe the Journey: What If This Is Play?
If academia is a game, why take it so seriously? Instead of defining yourself by “career” milestones, embrace the unpredictability of the journey.
Rejection? That’s just part of the game. Take a deep breath and move on.
Job uncertainty? Maybe this is your chance to pivot into something you truly enjoy.
Start building a hobby. Take a step back from accepting the career as the end all and be all.
This mindset shift changes everything. It’s not about abandoning ambition—it’s about detaching your self-worth from an arbitrary system. The less you cling to academic validation, the more freedom you gain.
Why Smart People Work for Free (And Why You Shouldn’t Always Do It)
One of the biggest traps in academia is feeling like you need to prove yourself endlessly. That’s why so many PhDs work for free—reviewing papers, writing articles, taking on extra work—just to be seen as “worthy.”
But here’s the secret: at some point, you have to decide you’re good enough. No one will do that for you.
I used to think every opportunity was a stepping stone, but I’ve since learned that saying “no” is just as powerful as saying “yes.” Value your time. If something doesn’t align with your goals, walk away.
Your future self will thank you.
The Beauty of Learning for Its Own Sake
People often say education should be practical, immediately applicable. That’s missing the point. The best learning happens when you dive into something seemingly irrelevant—because that’s how your mind expands.
I didn’t build R3ciprocity because I thought it would “pay off.” I built it because I was curious, because I wanted to help others, and because I enjoyed the challenge. That’s what made it meaningful.
So don’t chase trends or worry about whether something is “useful.”
Follow your curiosity. You never know where it will take you.
If someone tells you to be practical, fight back.
Your impractical ideas can often be very exciting for you to explore.
Surviving the PhD as a Relationship
Let’s be honest—doing a PhD feels like being in a toxic relationship. It gives you just enough validation to keep going but tears you down at the same time. One day, you feel unstoppable. The next, you wonder if you belong at all.
Managing this emotional rollercoaster is crucial. Set boundaries. Take breaks. Walk away from things that drain you. And most importantly, stop thinking that your PhD defines you.
You are more than your research. You are a whole person with interests, relationships, and options. Don’t let academia convince you otherwise.
Practicing Quiet Confidence
The most powerful thing you can do is realize that you have choices. You are not trapped.
I remember sitting at my laptop, waiting for invite emails for job talks—and getting silence instead. It was embarassing. It rocked me. I thought I had no way forward, no options. But I did. And so do you.
Your PhD has given you skills that are valuable in countless industries. You can pivot, explore, and redefine success on your own terms. When I stopped chasing external validation and started focusing on what I actually enjoyed, everything changed. I built something out of curiosity. I started R3ciprocity not because I had to, but because I wanted to. And that decision—to create, to explore, to find joy in the work itself—was the most freeing moment of my career.
The moment you stop seeking approval is the moment you start taking control.
Quiet confidence means knowing you belong, even if the system tells you otherwise. It means recognizing your worth, even when the academic job market doesn’t. It means waking up and deciding that today, you will laugh at the absurdity of it all, that you will dance in your kitchen because you can, that you will choose joy even when the world tells you not to. It’s about reclaiming your power and moving forward—not because you have to, but because you choose to.
Read this post to understand that success is a social construct.
Play, Laugh, and Keep Moving
The academic system is often arbitrary, unpredictable, and indifferent to effort—but you don’t have to be. You can define your own metrics for success, and that’s where real power lies.
Success isn’t just about titles, tenure, or publications—it’s about crafting a life that feels fulfilling to you. It’s about recognizing that joy, creativity, and curiosity matter just as much as external validation. When you measure success by what truly makes you happy, rather than what the system rewards, everything shifts.
Give yourself permission to be playful. You don’t have to follow the traditional path if it doesn’t serve you. Enjoy the process of thinking, creating, and engaging with ideas. Worry less about whether something ‘counts’ and more about whether it excites you. Academia may reject you, but don’t reject yourself.
Laugh at the absurdity of the market—it was never built to measure your worth. Dance in the kitchen when you feel stuck, because movement reminds you that life is more than work. Find work that excites you, even if it isn’t what you once expected. Keep learning because you want to, not because you have to. Keep growing in ways that feel right for you.
And most importantly, remember: you are already enough.
No job, degree, or institution can change that.